1-2 vs. Atlanta Braves
2-1 vs. Colorado Rockies
So, in the culture of Dan, during the Spring and Summer, what you do every day you can, is watch the Phillies. That is, all winter long you go around like, what am I gonna do now?, and then come April, yer plans are set in gold. This is a sentiment of culture I've passionately heard and seen mirrored in parents and grandmas, other old ladies I work with, people I was in the crazy house with, little kids, mc Bens and Main Men. Now, what each of us do with that watching varies greatly, and as you know, what I do is BELIEVE. I'm super-realistic and super-fucking-smart (about baseball). I always do my homework, as long as I'm the one who assigned it! But I'm on this ride for believin' and that is my niche.
Anyway, I watch every game possible, and if the Tit Patrol is on the road, the Main Man has the Transistor Sister to bring us the news. So, let's just say I am abreast of all things Phillies, and after one week in the season, we've won as many as we've lost at 3 and 3. Brett Myers (1-1) is the only starting pitcher who has won yet, and he's allowed six dingers in two games, the other two wins belong to bullpenners Clay Condrey and Ryan "Mad Dog" Madson. In their respective starts, "Hollywood" Cole Hamels, Jamie Moyer, and Joe "Chubs" Blanton did not inspire the greatest of confidence in this here believer, all giving up first inning jacks and getting pulled early. "Lights Out" Lidge has saves in two of the wins, and the bullpen is doing really well, except for Chad Durbin who got lit up like he was a starter..
After a very slow start (no surprise there) versus the hated Atlanta Braves, the middle of the line-up has started to pick up the offense, with Ryan "Soul Pole" Howard, Jayson Werth, Chase Utley, and Pedro "the Original Pete Happy" Feliz all maintaining .300 plus batting averages, Utley is actually at .476, and new comer and Pat "the Bat" Burrell replacement "Too Cool" Raul Ibanez leading the team with two home runs, and the first ding-job the Phils hit all year. Werth and Utley each have homers, as well as the big one yesterday by Matt "I Only Hit Home Runs" Stairs to put the Phillies up over the hated Colorade Rockies to stay, taking 2 of 3 from the Rox after taking 1 of 3 from the disgusting Braves. My man Carlos "Hamster Pie" Ruiz had the first Phillies hit of the year, and continues his beautiful play behind the dish, but just went on the 15 day DL with a strained oblique, whatever that is! Chris "Taters and Toast" Coste is filling in as starter and Lou Marson got called up to fill in and show what he's got on the big stage.
The only Phillies who is genuinely struggling is the best Phillie - my man Jimmy Rollins. J-Roll is having trouble gettin' the bat on the ball with only three hits in his first twenty-eight at bats, with four strike-outs (which don't matter for the big man, but J-Roll is a different kind of hitter). As resident believer, I call a big game out of Jimmy today when they take on the glass-jawed Washington National (0-6, reverse undefeated) at 3:05, when Jamie Moyer tries to get back on track after a serious lollipop outing.
Ari Wallach (TEAM HUMAN)
7 months ago