Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Raggedy Ann

I've recently found it necessary to find out more about this Anne Coulter person they talk about, as she's been on some shows I watch and will be debating Bill Maher this spring on some select dates, and what I found was not pretty! My findings will be represented thrice! Once through an abbreviation of her Dikipedia page. (Huffington Post Humor, you must check out -, twice through some wild quotes, taken out of context cause it really doesn't matter, and thrice through the hoax Playboy cover on which her "face" was photoshopped onto the age-appropriate body of Cindy Margolis. I feel no need to personally comment on any of it.

Part I

Ann Hart Coulter (born December 8, 1961 (no matter what she tells ya)) is an American conservative pundit, a syndicated columnist, a best-selling author, a frequent television and radio guest, a self-described "polemicist," and a self-promoting dick. Known as "the Miss Mullah of the Peroxide Right," "Rush Limbaugh in a mini-skirt," or simply "right wing tele-bimbo." Best known for purveying hate, Coulter revels in the mass loathing she herself inspires, a delight so aberrational as to invite speculation that she may in fact be an alien life form. That, actually, would explain a lot.

Coulter was born in New York City and raised in Connecticut by an upper middle class family. Her father, John Vincent, was an FBI agent turned union-buster who enjoyed shooting squirrels in his backyard.

Coulter attended Cornell University, where she helped found The Cornell Review in 1984, in which she railed against affirmative action, gay rights, abortion, anti-apartheidism, and "political correctness," which is a term dicks use derisively when they are chastised for dressing up in blackface at Halloween parties.

After graduating from Cornell, Coulter got her law degree at the University of Michigan. She then got a job with Senator Spencer Abraham (R-MI), where she made herself useful by helping to craft legislation designed to speed up the deportation of aliens convicted of felonies.

Coulter has dated many dicks, among them conservative author Dinesh D’Souza (who wrote a 1981 article for the Dartmouth Review naming the officers of the Gay Student Alliance, some of whom had not yet come out) and Spin magazine founder and publisher – and second-generation dick – Bob Guccione, Jr. Though she claims to have been engaged many times, she has yet to meet Mr. Rightwingnut. Those concerned with the future of humankind are watching Coulter’s biological clock, counting the days until the onset of the menopause that will render the species safe from her virulent strain of DNA.

Coulter divides her time between her Manhattan condominium and her Palm Beach home, where, when she’s not dating dicks, she enjoys reading the Bible and books about serial killers.

Coulter is a multi-media presence, turning up all too regularly on television and radio talk shows where she frequently says things with the sole purpose of creating controversy – like Madonna but without the faux-British accent and public masturbation.

She also writes a weekly hysterical rant (column) which periodically makes news by containing something offensive enough to require its cancellation by some conservative publication or another. This column can also be found at, a link to which appears on the Website of her widely-believed-to-be-a-closeted-homosexual friend Matt Drudge.

Coulter is the author of six venomous screeds (books), five of which feature her equine visage on their covers.

Coulter is perceived as sexy by that segment of the population that has no idea how unsexy an emaciated, horse-faced harridan with chemically ravaged hair actually is, no matter how mini her skirt.

As Coulter’s shtick has inevitably worn thin over the years, she has had to take increasingly extreme measures to attract attention – not unlike a young ingĂ©nue who goes to Hollywood, takes some soft-core work to pay the rent, then finds herself a year later in the middle of her first triple penetration scene. In Coulter’s case, however, it is the public that is on the receiving end.

Part II

Quotes by Mz. Coulter:

On Muslims:

"Airports scrupulously apply the same laughably ineffective airport harassment to Suzy Chapstick as to Muslim hijackers. It is preposterous to assume every passenger is a potential crazed homicidal maniac. We know who the homicidal maniacs are. They are the ones cheering and dancing right now. We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity. We weren't punctilious about locating and punishing only Hitler and his top officers. We carpet-bombed cities; we killed civilians. That's war. And this is war."

"Not all Muslims may be terrorists, but all terrorists are Muslims -- at least all terrorists capable of assembling a murderous plot against America that leaves 7,000 people dead in under two hours."

"If only we could get Muslims to boycott all airlines, we could dispense with airport security altogether."

"What if they start having one of these bipolar episodes with nuclear weapons? I think our motto should be, post-9-11: raghead talks tough, raghead faces consequences."

"...I believe our motto should be after 9/11: Jihad monkey talks tough; jihad monkey takes the consequences. Sorry, I realize that's offensive. How about 'camel jockey'? What? Now what'd I say? Boy, you tent merchants sure are touchy. Grow up, would you?"

"I think airlines ought to start advertising: 'We have the most civil rights lawsuits brought against us by Arabs.'" When the interviewer replied by asking what Muslims would do for travel, she responded, "They could use flying carpets."

"We’ve killed about 20,000 of them, of terrorists, of militants, of Al Qaeda members, and they’ve gotten a little over 3,000 of ours. That is where the war is being fought, in Iraq, that is where we are fighting Al Qaeda. Sorry we have to use your country, Iraqis, but you let Saddam come to power, ha-ha, and we are going to instill democracy in your country."

"The fact of Islamo-Fascism is indisputable," she said. "I find it tedious to detail the savagery of the enemy . . . I want to kill them. Why don't Democrats?"

On John Edwards:

"I was going to have a few comments on the other Democratic presidential candidate, John Edwards, but it turns out that you have to go into rehab if you use the word 'faggot,' so I'm - so, kind of at an impasse, can't really talk about Edwards, so I think I'll just conclude here and take your questions."

"C’mon, it was a joke. I would never insult gays by suggesting that they are like John Edwards. That would be mean."

"I'm so ashamed, I can't stop laughing!"

"Faggot isn't offensive to gays; it has nothing to do with gays. It's a schoolyard taunt meaning 'wuss'."

"But about the same time, you know, Bill Maher was not joking and saying he wished Dick Cheney had been killed in a terrorist attack -- so I've learned my lesson: If I'm going to say anything about John Edwards in the future, I'll just wish he had been killed in a terrorist assassination plot."

On Women:

"...It would be a much better country if women did not vote. That is simply a fact. In fact, in every presidential election since 1950—except Goldwater in '64—the Republican would have won, if only the men had voted."

"If we took away women's right to vote, we'd never have to worry about another Democrat president. It's kind of a pipe dream, it's a personal fantasy of mine, but I don't think it's going to happen. And it is a good way of making the point that women are voting so stupidly, at least single women. It also makes the point, it is kind of embarrassing, the Democratic Party ought to be hanging its head in shame, that it has so much difficulty getting men to vote for it. I mean, you do see it's the party of women and 'We'll pay for health care and tuition and day care—and here, what else can we give you, soccer moms?'"

"Here at the Spawn of Satan convention in Boston..." and referred to some unspecified female attendees as "corn-fed, no make-up, natural fiber, no-bra needing, sandal-wearing, hirsute, somewhat fragrant hippie chick pie wagons."

On Christianity:

"I don't want you being offended by this. This is what Christians consider themselves, because our testament is the continuation of your testament. You know that. So we think Jews go to heaven. I mean Falwell himself said that, but you have to follow laws. Ours is "Christ died for our sins." We consider ourselves perfected Christians. For me to say that for you to become a Christian is to become a perfected Christian is not offensive at all."

"I don't care about anything else: Christ died for my sins and nothing else matters."

"Jesus' distinctive message was: People are sinful and need to be redeemed, and this is your lucky day because I'm here to redeem you even though you don't deserve it, and I have to get the crap kicked out of me to do it."

"The message of Jesus... according to liberals, is something along the lines of 'be nice to people', which is, in fact, one of the incidental tenets of Christianity."

"I'm a Christian first and a mean-spirited, bigoted conservative second, and don't you ever forget it."

"... Christianity fuels everything I write. Being a Christian means that I am called upon to do battle against lies, injustice, cruelty, hypocrisy — you know, all the virtues in the church of liberalism."

Coulter characterized the theory of evolution as "bogus science", and contrasting her beliefs to what she called the left's "obsession with Darwinism and the Darwinian view of the world, which replaces sanctification of life with sanctification of sex and death."

On Paula Jones:

"We were terrified that Jones would settle. It was contrary to our purpose of bringing down the President."

On Democrats:

"This year's Democratic plan for the future is another inane sound bite designed to trick American voters into trusting them with national security. To wit, they're claiming there is no connection between the war on terror and the war in Iraq, and while they're all for the war against terror — absolutely in favor of that war — they are adamantly opposed to the Iraq war. You know, the war where the U.S. military is killing thousands upon thousands of terrorists (described in the media as "Iraqi civilians", even if they are from Jordan, like the now-dead leader of al-Qaida in Iraq, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi). That war."

Robert Muller, co-founder of the International Campaign to Ban Landmines, asserted that "in 90% of the cases that U.S. soldiers got blown up [in Vietnam]—Ann, are you listening—they were our own mines." (Muller was misquoting a 1969 Pentagon report that found that 90% of the components used in enemy mines came from U.S. duds and refuse.) Coulter, who found Muller's statement laughable, averted her eyes and responded sarcastically: "No wonder you guys lost."

Coulter characterized Barack Obama's book Dreams From My Father as a "Dimestore Mein Kampf." Coulter writes, "He says the reason black people keep to themselves is that it's 'easier than spending all your time mad or trying to guess whatever it was that white folks were thinking about you.' Here's a little inside scoop about white people: We're not thinking about you. Especially WASPs. We think everybody is inferior, and we are perfectly charming about it."

On Her Father's Death:

“Now Daddy is with Joe McCarthy and Ronald Reagan. I hope they stop laughing about the Reds long enough to talk to God about smiting some liberals for me.”

On 9/11 Widows:

"These broads are millionaires, lionized on TV and in articles about them, reveling in their status as celebrities and stalked by grief-arazzis. These self-obsessed women seemed genuinely unaware that 9/11 was an attack on our nation and acted as if the terrorist attacks happened only to them. ... I've never seen people enjoying their husbands' deaths so much ... the Democrat ratpack gals endorsed John Kerry for president ... cutting campaign commercials... how do we know their husbands weren't planning to divorce these harpies? Now that their shelf life is dwindling, they'd better hurry up and appear in Playboy."

Part III

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