This is that time of the year, usually starting around those Dog Days and stretching into early fall time where and when something bad happens to me physically. Two years ago I sliced open the middle finger on me left hand whilst opening a vacuum sealed filet for preparation at Dead Presidents where I worked. I sliced it real good, all the way down to the bone and miraculously I missed the tendon, so I could flex it and spurt blood out and you could watch the tendon contract and the bone do it's thing in there. Though the record for highest blood spurt at Dead Prez still goes to my man Master Ray who hit the ceiling. I got it stitched up and was cool as a cuke, except for when the clinic doc told me that I may lose some flexibility in it. Well, that is my fret hand and as you know I wanna be the Johnny Thunders of my generation, who was the Chuck Berry of his generation, so I started to sweat and me blood ran cold, but I bit the bullet and was back to playin' even with them stitches and lost no mobility at all.
Last year I was happily unemployed and doing some work for my ma and dad on their beautiful lawn. I was removing some poison ivy out from under an azalea, paying very close attention to the ivy and sleepin' on the azalea's branches, which poked me directly in my right eye and tore my cornea. I went to that hot stuff eye doctor in Greenville cuz when I was a baby I abrased my dad's cornea with a stick at Rockford Park, and that's where he went. They told me I was unlucky it was a branch and would have been better off if it was an antenna or guitar string, cuz an organic abrasion heals slower and relapses more often. Plus it hurt like a son of a bitch. Plus I got alot of poison ivy all over me too! I had to pull out the bottom eyelid and load it up with cream and patch it off like so much pirate. Once in a blue moon if I don't get enough sleep or it's very smokey around or Hondo gets up in my puss it hurts like it just happened.
So this year I saw it coming. In fact I saw it coming for years! When I was twenty-two my wisdom teeth started coming in. The dentist told me to get them out ASAP or they would foil my naturally beautiful smile (No Braces!). Of course I did nothing except wait a handful of years (during which time they came in without incident, as I have a big mouth) until one night I was watching the Phils (Go Phils!) and eating a Cinnamon Toast Crunch Milk and Cereal Bar when my back Wizzy busted off in half. I had these little spikes like a king's crown in the back of my mouth and I couldn't stop tounging it. I went ahead over to the dentist and they did a panarex, and x-ray of me whole noggin and found that those Wizdumb teeth was so far back that I couldn't properly brush them and they were rotted out and must come out or they'll hurt me, cavity-wise! So we did it. I was nervous, but I really enjoyed the intravenous cocktail they served me, and I REALLY liked the post-op percocet and ice cream! It all healed up pretty good, just in time for me to hit the beach down in Fenwick and fall asleep on my belly reading "Please Kill Me" for the fifth time and burn the shit out of me backside. I am currently leaving skin everywhere I go. But that ain't my problem now...
My problem now is I got the flu. That's right the flu, like a school kid. The Headies played in front of a couple hundred people last Friday at the Spot on the night of the Wilmington Art Loop, and I'm pretty sure someone got me sick there, probably some dirty chick who I thought was coughing from cigarettes but prolly got the H1N1 or some such thing. I feel like I got hit by a truck and it's messin' up my emotions a bit too, but it doesn't really matter, because just like all of my previous August Ailments, I got outta work, and that is what's important!
Ari Wallach (TEAM HUMAN)
2 years ago