In our current two party system, the choice is obvious. One must vote Democrat this year. Not only does McCain represent the same policies that have torn our country apart over the last eight years, we also stand at the crux of history in which we can protect American's rights with a vote for Obama, or set up the series of events to rob us of said rights with a vote for McCain. With that being said, I have a soft spot for third party candidates, and one ticket running this year really caught my eye, really speaks to me and for me. The ticket is the one you've been hearing about from the alternative media, that's right Handsome Dick Manitoba/Jimmy Rollins in 2008!! I was lucky enough to attend the convention held at Manitoba's bar in Manhattan, NY. Rollins made abrief statement about being the "ticket to beat" and called winning all fifty states before yielding the floor to Manitoba. Here is the transcript of his acceptance speech for the presidential nomination.
Manitoba starts out by responding to those critics who question his and his V.P.'s qualifications for the most powerful positions in the free world as a legendary punk rocker and tavernist and the most sabermetrically sound short stop in modern baseball.
Who's that boy with the sandwich in his hand? You won't miss me, even though you can. He could make a dead dog laugh, and watch me kick my mother on her ass. He's no boy and yet he ain't no man. He don't know what he's gonna do. In three years, I'm gonna be fifty-two. All his friends think he's great. He's their favorite degenerate. You might say he's just too crazy for you. You can bet that he's no Mickey Mouse. Give me an hour, and I'll destroy your house. Eatin' eggs all day long, sleepin' with the TV on. He looks just like you, turn him inside out.
Then a quick statement of brand and a dig at the competition.
I am a pilgrim looking for danger. I am an outlaw, I am a stranger. I'm just a clown walking down the street. I think John McCain is a creep. I need a girl, I need release.
Then Mr. Manitoba focused in on the issues, telling us exactly why he'd best suited for the job.
Talk, talk, talk, talk, keeps getting in the way. Speaking as a young artiste who has so much to say. So now you know my situation, understand my aggravation, building up so strong inside, cause I wanna make some noise. I can play faster and louder. I can dance faster and louder. I can live faster and louder. I'm a man faster and louder. I can scream faster and louder. I can jive faster and louder. Walk the dog faster and louder. Mow the lawn faster and louder. Jump back jack! Faster and louder. Get down Bernice! Faster and louder. Hot Pants!
So tell me pretty baby, are you still talking bout yourself? You're such a non-conformist, just like everybody else. And if you had a heart, tell me would you use it? And if you had a thought, I think you'd confuse it. And if you understood exactly what I'm saying, would you have the common sense to kiss my ass? Cause I am right. I am right. I am right. I am right.I'd like to take your ego and crush it into a little ball. And then I'd take my baseball bat and knock it over the center field wall. Cause if you had a soul, I think you would sell it, and if you had a life, you'd serve your time in hell. Justice can be sweet, power is corrupting, so it would be my pleasure to have you kiss my ass. Cause I am right. I am right. I am right. I am right.And if there was a god, I think she'd give her blessings to every dirty deed, I would be confessing.So before I knock on heaven's door please grant my last request. Would you be so kind as to kiss my ass? Cause I am right.
Hippies are squares with long hair, and they don't wear no underwear. Country Rock is on the way. I don't want music, I want pain. Dictators can swing. Make you dance and sing. Cause no oil spill. You don't know us, but you will! We're the members of the master race. Got no style, and we got no grace. Sleep all night, sleep all day. Nothing good on t.v. anyway. Gasoline shortage won't stop me now, Oh no!We've reached a higher spiritual plain, that is so high, I can't explain. We tell jokes to make you laugh. We play sports so we don't get fat. We can sweat and stink. We can eat and drink. Don't do what we're told. And we're scared of growing old! We're the members of the master race. We don't judge you by your face.First we check to see what you eat, then we bend down and smell your feet.
Mr. Manitoba then goes on to discuss some of his constituents and the financial problems they've been facing under the Republican administration.
Benny got a new tattoo down at the St. Mark's Zoo. He walked down to the park, drinkin 40's till it's dark. Talkin to a grey haired man in a tye-dyed shirt and ragged pants. He said, "That's where the hippies used to play. Down on Avenue A." Susie got a new pair of shoes. Now she don't know what to do. So she's sitting in the Park, smokin' pot till it's dark. Talking to a toothless man with spiky hair and leather pants. He said,"I knew Stiv in the day. And that's where the junkies used to play. Down on Avenue A." When every memory is gone, and everything you know is wrong... Takin' the edge off on a beautiful day, with a Frappacino and a creme brulee. Yeah, it's all over when you see a Range Rover, and to my bodega, I say, "hasta luega." It's not what you do, it's what you say. And it's not who you know, it's who you pay down on Avenue A.
Smoking marijuana, watching channel five. Got to get my strength up in this struggle to survive. Everyone's an asshole. Everyone's a creep. I look out my window and there's garbage in the streets. I live in the city, I breathe dirty air. I ride trains with b-boys, junkies, queens and squares.Everybody's hungry and don't know what to do. I used to live on pizza, now I live on Chinese food. I can't stand my neighbors screaming all the time. If I wasn't blasting "Sister Ray" I could lose my mind. I live in the city. I breathe dirty air. I ride trains with b-boys, junkies, queens and squares.Safely someone's smiling, the fat man waits his turn. Soon he'll count his money while the south Bronx slowly burns. Get out for the children. Get your ass and run. Get out of this stinkin mess. To a safe suburban slum.
Oh Weekend, Benny took downs in class. The principal found his stash, his mother's gonna get his ass.Oh Weekend, In his room he'll stay. Dreamin when he's king he'll say, "Everyday is Saturday!"Oh Weekend, Bobby is a local punk. Cuttin school and getting drunk, eating at McDonald's for lunch.Oh Weekend, soon he threw up in the store. But if he does it anymore, I'll make him eat it off the floor.
Finally Mr. Manitoba focuses in on the only issue greater than freedom of choice.
I fall to my knees and look to the sky. Who will save rock and roll? Murray The K is not here today, so who will save rock and roll? Every protest singer, every guitar slinger, every punk rock sinner sells his soul.My generation is not the salvation, so who will save rock and roll? I saw The Stooges, covered with bruises. Who will save rock and roll? Every mercenary, three chord revolutionaries, choose your side and choose it well. June 1st, 67 something died and went to heaven. I wish Sgt. Pepper never taught the band to play.
You say you wanna rock and make it to the top? You gotta look good and you gotta act tough. You don't know what to do, I'm givin you a clue, so you can be the next Supreme Rock Dude.
I can go anywhere, people look and people stare. They all know that I'm the one, not to let your son become. What I want to do I do, who I want to screw I screw. Playin' in a heavy band, guess I'm just a Two Tub Man.I drink Pepsi Cola for breakfast. I've got Hilary Clinton in my pants. I'm never gonna watch channel 13, edjumacation ain't for me.
So he's a little soft on the education issue, but still the most interesting candidate in this very interesting race. And if you like extremism and mavericks (Republicans) than write in your vote for Manitoba/Rollins in '08!
Ari Wallach (TEAM HUMAN)
7 months ago