Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Unpublished "Urine Zine" Column, 1995

Here's a little something I wrote thirteen years ago for the Urine Zine that apparently didn't make the cut. I found it in my archives and got a good laugh. Nothing is changed, even the parts that don't make sense. Did I think suicide was a moral failing? Weird! Also I've since learned that Ray Combs hung himself with his bed sheets, not a rope. C'est la vie!

When I die it's gonna be cool. My afterlife, as I see it, will be spent in greaser clothes with my hair combed like George from the Halflings, protecting the innocent and righting wrongs, much like the ill-fated Gary Coleman Show, I believe it was called, in which the great Gary Coleman, tv's Arnold, lends his likeness and voice to a cartoon in which he plays an angel who does much of the same, except mine will be a ghost, not a pussy angel. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Ya see I hafta die first, and the way I'll probably do this is me and Nick will probably be playing on the railroad tracks one summer night. Nick will most likely be quite drunk. So after hours of fun the sun begins to rise and Nick stands staggering on the tracks as a speeding train is only seconds away from breakin' him up, but good. So, being the kinda guy I am I race to save him and push him outta the way just in time to keep him from being killed but not soon enough for me. With a brilliant flash of light I am in conference with god who tells me that even though I was a bad boy, I had a good heart and I had died saving my good friend's life so if I agreed to serving the powers of light for an undecided amount of time I would get into heaven. So of course I'd fight common crooks, evil spirits, and even ALIENS!! With my knowledge of my righteous mission you can only imagine the trepidation that followed my hearing of how the Family Feud's Ray Combs had committed suicide in his hospital room. Now there's a foe I don't look forward to soon tangling with. My current assignment will be to protect an infant of great courage and honesty, quite possibly the future Green Lantern of Sector 2814. I'd sit hunched in his moonlit nursery when I hear a sound in his closet. I slowly move to it and slowly open the creaking door as the corpse of Ray Combs falls the full length of his suicide rope, dangles as he smiles at me and says in his gameshow host voice, "Survey SAYS, It's time to die!!" "I'm already dead, fucker!" I say as my ghost and the corpse of Ray Combs engage in battle over the future Green Lantern of Sector 2814.