Lookin' Fer Trouble? Well You Found Me! Pt. I

(Reprinted from the Hic-Up #5, March 2007)

"I am right!" - Handsome Dick Manitoba

After a minor annoyance at work today got my sleepy brain to thinkin', I came to a shocking illumination: Libertarianism is fer suckers. Or maybe even worse. It was obvious to me that the only viable way to be is facist. Here's the deal: I want my freedom, damn it, and i sure as hell don't trust anybody or especially any group of people to get it for me.

"I'll be a pharaoh soon. Rule from some golden tomb. Things will be different then. The sun will rise from here. Then I'll be ten feet tall. And you'll be nothing at all." - Stiv Bators

So, I feel about the Ramones the way jihad-style dudes feels about Allah. And punk rock records are my Holy Book, not thematically devoid of my heroes desiring to be the only boy in an American ruling class. But, where Stiv and Handsome Dick only went so far as conceptualization, i will be the Pharoah Boy of the 21st Century, Benevolent Despot of the USA. The reason it's me is because i know something you don't.

"If you wanna do something right, you gotta do it yerself or someone else will fuck it up." - Ben Weasel

Libertarianism, in the classic John Mill sense can be summed up as miding one's own buisiness. This sounds great and what not, but minding one's own business never gave forth to anything affectual outside of one's own self, and what's more, I simply can not do it! I have negative and aggressive opinions about fucking everything and have a hard time not expounding upon them. Anyhoo, libertarianism is thusly essentially selfish (and therefore exclusive), whereas facism is the ethos that cares about you! I may fancy myself a misantrope but i love my team! I am a utopian, but only my utopia, because, seriously, yer not up to the job.

"I hate freedom. I pine to be enslaved" - Lewis Black

I hate normal people, and think they should be phased out. The hive mind that diseases most humans, indicated by college degrees, office work, marraige, glass-jawed, spineless nerds should not be ignored or tolerated! They used to say "Live and let live," but I say that ain't livin' and neither is standing by and letting mediocrity goose step its way down Main Street. So here it is... if yer cool, yer cool and if yer not, all we need is a written or video-taped admission that you are just waiting to die. You hook it up and we check you off and all is good. If not my Secret Police will take you in yer sleep.

"I wanna be loved!" - Johnny Thunders

After all of this, for some reason I still don't wanna be a jerk. In the kitchen I work in, if I ever told people what they should do in order to make the kitchen work like a Swiss watch, and if they actually listened and did it, then, you know, it would. BUT i never tell nobody nuthin'! And not because i have libertarian tendencies blocking my will, but simply because i want everone to like me.

"Oh, Weekend. In his room he'll have to stay. Dreamin when he's king he'll say, Everyday is Saturday!" - The Dictators

I will redevelop America into a scientific futurist society with and kick-butt scientific board to keep me abreast of cryptozoological findings. I will disarm the populous, because the only legit reason to carry firearms is to fight an oppressive government, and i don't want nobody shootin; at me! I will name trusted Murphazious to be my Reverend of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Alcohol to handle to disarmament. I will introduce African Big Cats to America's forests and mountains to keep population issues under control. I will study the human brain to determine how learning takes place and develop a device to increase said function, increasing my already stellar detective skills and those of the People. I will fund Mexico's military and give them nuclear capabilities and they will forever have our back, USA + Mexico=Best Friend Countries.

"I'm the King... the King Cry Baby." - Wade "Cry Baby" Walker

My only concern is that I may have turned that dreaded corner. Like in that recent issue of Ultimate Spider-Man when Nick Fury told him that he was more-or-less a bad-guy waiting to happen, with all the psycological b.s. he'd been through, he was likely to have snapped and lashed out on the fakockta world that doesn't understand him. But he didn't and Fury was proud of him. So I worry, have I snapped? It feels to me like i'm just hangin' on.