Billy Dogma and Me

So y'all know Billy Dogma right? Billy Dogma is a fictional cartoon character that the ingenious Dean Haspiel, Brooklyn comic maestro, created in the mid-1990's based on me in the future, i.e. now. Oh sure, Dino got a few things off: my girl is blonde and I have dark hair and I still hate jazz and love punk rock, but the important things are there. Billy Dogma is an outlaw wanted on four counts of criminal negligence. 1) Trafficking an unsolicited belief system. 2) Panhandling for purpose. 3) Comprimising Self-Dignity. 4) Day dreaming of a better tomorrow. We are as confident as we are confused. We wanna love and be loved. Comprimise is the greatest sin which we partake in only to come back less compromising than before. Example: Punk rock and the playing of punk rock. I can not stop. I am an addict. Life would be so much easier without practicing and gigging and carrying and recording and paying all for nothing except the glory of 1-4-5. No market. No market. That is why it is so important. Nobody cares! Except for me I care too much all the time. The world is set up to make you not care, so you don't. I do. It is cool to care. Just having oppinions doesn't mean you care. Man, I am desperate, that is no question. That's why I fight, that's why I use weapons. That is one reason why I win.

"Jane, when I was young I'd cover my whole body with my blanket before going to sleep. I was afraid that animated mannequins with no faces were coming to kidnap me. The only way to avoid them was to hide."

"Hmm. You know, there was a hall that seperated my bedroom from the bathroom. I remember being afraid of a giant monster-hand that lived in the hall. When I had to pee at night, I would leap over the hall floorboards onto the bathroom tiles so the monster-hand wouldn't wake up and grab and crush me."

"Despite our boogeymen, we conquered all obstacles. Back in the day I could eat sugar-coated cornflakes for breakfast, a rainbow-pop for lunch, and cuban meat patties for dinner. I could climb trees and slide down hills with nothing but a few scrapes to show for it."

"Eventually you realize that the fear is all in your mind. As an adult you learn to sleep without the safety of your blanket and walk non-challantly across those once dreaded hall floorboards."

"And that's when your knees start to ache. Your stomach can't digest what it used to. Mommy and daddy go away. Your friends get flesh eating diseases. You don't even have a buck to buy a comic book."

If you can't find hope in that there is no hope for you.

Lookin' Fer Trouble? Well You Found Me! Pt. 2

(Reprinted from the Hic-Up #7, January 2008)

"Sense surround sound in a two inch wall. I was waitin' for the communist call. I didn't ask for sunshine, and I got World War Three. I'm lookin' over the wall, and they're lookin' at me!"
-Sex Pistols

Everything's filtered. For instance the first wave of English punk bands didn't exhibit much if any of the tabloid inspired Bristish Punk Look. No mohawks. But the very next wave, which was inspired by the first wavers, were also filtered through the media blitz; so the Exploited and Sham 69 have a much more cliched look by today's standards. In 2008, there is over thirty-five years of filters upon filters. The reason my position is an enviable one is that through fifteen years of study and practice, I can fully comprehend and see through all filters, I mean, as far as rock and roll music is concerned.

"I see the velvet zippies in their bondage gear. The social elite with safety pins in their ear. I watch and understand that it don't mean a thing. The scorpions might attack, but the system's stole the sting. PUNK IS DEAD."
-Crass

That being said, it may be logically impossible to play punk rock today. Maybe the label can only truly be applied to the handful of original CBGB bands (Television, Richard Hell, Patti Smith, the Ramones, the Heartbreakers, the Dead Boys, not all of which actually play Punk music) and their Bristish prodigies (the Pistols, the Clash, the Damned). This filter disincludes many usual suspects, like the Stooges, MC5, Velvets, and the New York Dolls, and also means that everything that followed was something else, including the Angry Samoans, the Queers, and Explosive Kate. But, if those bands aren't playing punk rock, what the fuck is it? And what of the Dictators! I guess it's kinda semantical. None of those original bands really wanted to be called "punk" anyway, but everybody since has.

"Yeah you little copy cat, who do you think you are? You copy everything I do right down to my Jaguar. You little copy cat. Who do you copy, me. You copy everything I do, but you just can't cop my stuff."
-Johnny Thunders

Well screw it! In my band, the Headies, it's simple. We play rock and roll like Chuck Berry, but willingly embrace the filter of all the great punk (or whatever it was - Ramones, Vindictives, Plow United) I've listened to over the past long time, so, our rock and roll comes out undeniably punk rock, cause that is all I wanna do. We play it faster and louder, and have catchy and mean tunes that one can shake one's booty to. This, while a very broad template, can be found at the base of all the really good music. And conversely, if it ain't there, then the music ain't good, no matter what yer heathen ears tell ya. If it's quiet and slow, toss it out the window! I thought this was supposed to be America! "Experimental" style of punk a.k.a "indy" (such as scream-o, sonic thrash, hybrid metal, math rock, etc...) or whatever can't be seen as musical experimentation, but rather experimenting on who can stand around acting like it doesn't suck the longest. No post-modernism in rock and roll! B.B. King was experimental! I don't need to tell such erudite readers that the REAL GOOD comes from inside three chords and bringin' it fresher and bigger and prettier and meaner and cooler and that's what we're in it for, and that is punk rock.

"Robert Plant, a slimy fuck! John Bonham man, he really sucked! Those greedy fuckers. Those phony shits. They made their money off idiots. I hate Led Zeppelin."
- Ben Weasel

To be painfully clear, 99% of new music and old music suck dick. The filters upon filters have turned most American underground "musicians" brains to Swiss Cheese to the point where rock and roll is on life support, plugged directly into me. One filter says that Miles Davis was talented... ha! One filter says that Led Zeppelin was just a band and not a right wing dumbing-down conspiracy, (by the way, there was never such a person as this "John Bonham", I don't know where you got that one!) One filter says that the wheel needs reinventing. Well, guess what. They already did that. In 1973 the country's leading skateboard scientists introduced polyeurathane wheels to the populace, allowing America's youth greater speed and mobility whilst skateboarding. You could use 'em harder without breaking them. Also in 1973 the New York Dolls eponymous debut LP hit stores allowing America's youth greater speed and mobility in rock and roll. At this point, the invention phase concluded, and the wise need only to ride.

"Last week I was watching Saturday Night Live. There was this band, their singer had bleached hair. They were singin' about stuff I could relate to, so I put Bon Jovi in the trunk and taped the lock."
-Third Year Freshmen

Filter 1996: Act like you've been involved in punk rock since you were two years old. Filter 1999: Act like you've never been involved in punk rock ever. Filter 2001: "Maturely" accepting yourself and many facets of yer personality, water yerself down, "it's ALL good." I SAY NO! Any number of horrors can come out of this unholy dork-fuck formula, this catalyst for mediocrity and boring, atonal garbage. You can like whatever you wanna, but it might make you an idiot or a bad person or a waste of life, don't you agree?


"I gotta letter from Uncle Sam today. Grabs what he wants and he just won't stay away. I went down to the hop, the local disco show. Cause they won't ever stop, oh no. Go go go!"
-Angry Samoans

It's like the socio-political sitch in Iraq (stay with me please!). Under my main-man Saddam Hussein, you'd get yer tongue cut out for swearing and yer dick cut off for rape, etc... but under the Christian USA troops, you can't really even leave yer house without gettin' shot at. So, Sid Vicious was a brain-dead British teenager, heroin user (mark of the truly retarded), murderer, and Johnny Thunders (my musical hero) was a horrible junkie opportunist, and let's face it, racist. However, somehow I'd still rather have either Johnny, Sid, or Saddam baby-sitting my kids than you and yer boxing glove-fingering, I'm talkin' 'bout you Cursive and Mineral, From Autumn to Ashes and all the rest, shady hipster mutherfuckers!!

Lookin' Fer Trouble? Well You Found Me! Pt. I

(Reprinted from the Hic-Up #5, March 2007)

"I am right!" - Handsome Dick Manitoba

After a minor annoyance at work today got my sleepy brain to thinkin', I came to a shocking illumination: Libertarianism is fer suckers. Or maybe even worse. It was obvious to me that the only viable way to be is facist. Here's the deal: I want my freedom, damn it, and i sure as hell don't trust anybody or especially any group of people to get it for me.

"I'll be a pharaoh soon. Rule from some golden tomb. Things will be different then. The sun will rise from here. Then I'll be ten feet tall. And you'll be nothing at all." - Stiv Bators

So, I feel about the Ramones the way jihad-style dudes feels about Allah. And punk rock records are my Holy Book, not thematically devoid of my heroes desiring to be the only boy in an American ruling class. But, where Stiv and Handsome Dick only went so far as conceptualization, i will be the Pharoah Boy of the 21st Century, Benevolent Despot of the USA. The reason it's me is because i know something you don't.

"If you wanna do something right, you gotta do it yerself or someone else will fuck it up." - Ben Weasel

Libertarianism, in the classic John Mill sense can be summed up as miding one's own buisiness. This sounds great and what not, but minding one's own business never gave forth to anything affectual outside of one's own self, and what's more, I simply can not do it! I have negative and aggressive opinions about fucking everything and have a hard time not expounding upon them. Anyhoo, libertarianism is thusly essentially selfish (and therefore exclusive), whereas facism is the ethos that cares about you! I may fancy myself a misantrope but i love my team! I am a utopian, but only my utopia, because, seriously, yer not up to the job.

"I hate freedom. I pine to be enslaved" - Lewis Black

I hate normal people, and think they should be phased out. The hive mind that diseases most humans, indicated by college degrees, office work, marraige, glass-jawed, spineless nerds should not be ignored or tolerated! They used to say "Live and let live," but I say that ain't livin' and neither is standing by and letting mediocrity goose step its way down Main Street. So here it is... if yer cool, yer cool and if yer not, all we need is a written or video-taped admission that you are just waiting to die. You hook it up and we check you off and all is good. If not my Secret Police will take you in yer sleep.

"I wanna be loved!" - Johnny Thunders

After all of this, for some reason I still don't wanna be a jerk. In the kitchen I work in, if I ever told people what they should do in order to make the kitchen work like a Swiss watch, and if they actually listened and did it, then, you know, it would. BUT i never tell nobody nuthin'! And not because i have libertarian tendencies blocking my will, but simply because i want everone to like me.

"Oh, Weekend. In his room he'll have to stay. Dreamin when he's king he'll say, Everyday is Saturday!" - The Dictators

I will redevelop America into a scientific futurist society with and kick-butt scientific board to keep me abreast of cryptozoological findings. I will disarm the populous, because the only legit reason to carry firearms is to fight an oppressive government, and i don't want nobody shootin; at me! I will name trusted Murphazious to be my Reverend of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Alcohol to handle to disarmament. I will introduce African Big Cats to America's forests and mountains to keep population issues under control. I will study the human brain to determine how learning takes place and develop a device to increase said function, increasing my already stellar detective skills and those of the People. I will fund Mexico's military and give them nuclear capabilities and they will forever have our back, USA + Mexico=Best Friend Countries.

"I'm the King... the King Cry Baby." - Wade "Cry Baby" Walker

My only concern is that I may have turned that dreaded corner. Like in that recent issue of Ultimate Spider-Man when Nick Fury told him that he was more-or-less a bad-guy waiting to happen, with all the psycological b.s. he'd been through, he was likely to have snapped and lashed out on the fakockta world that doesn't understand him. But he didn't and Fury was proud of him. So I worry, have I snapped? It feels to me like i'm just hangin' on.

Nice Lady (In a Jerry Lewis Voice)

Well, I've had some mild response to my removal of commentability. One from my old friend Raul (who I miss and lives in N.C. and I'll tell you more about that wild cat later), and one from a sweet lady called Julie who alerted me to the fact that I'm missing out on positive comments as well as the discourse I don't want. That does suck... my dad always has good comments. She also told me that if I really wanna be left alone, I should remove my e-mail address. DAMN! I was hoping no one would think of that! Well, I am a pussy, so I might do that, we'll see, but in the mean-time, check out Julie at www.damnnonameworks.blogspot.com, for the inner-workings of a Wilmington lass.

Minutemen Scans

You guys know www.piratebay.org right? The downloadable torrent site from which you can get about 80% of all you've ever wanted? It's one of many, but it's the one from which I've reliably enjoyed FREE permanent access to music that stupid costing-money itunes doesn't even know exists. You can get David Johanson's non-Buster Poindexter solo records, and everything else. But you all know that.

What I've been getting down with for a little bit now are Minutemen Scans. Every week the "Minutemen" scan every new comic, sans ads, and seed the torrent. You can also get complete series of books and important runs and creative team comps, etc... Now, you may easily note the probable moral crisis: is "stealing" from Marvel/DC and their creators unacceptable? I'll get all the music I can get my hands on without a qualm, but this made me hesitate... for like a second. See, comics are my favorite art form, uniquely American and, when done well, are the optimum storytelling medium. So I got respect, see. BUT- I am a comic book addict. I have fifteen long boxes. I used to work at the Comic Book Shop on Marsh Road in North Wilmington and got tremendous deals on all new and back-issue books, so I amassed quite a collection. Now, I haven't bought a book in over a year, not due to lost interest, I just can't afford it! I am an actual factual Billy Dogma. If I do not download, I do not read, simple as that. Employing "Situational Morality" actually doesn't mean you have no character, it means you have the character to know that situations are different and warrant different reactions, if you want to do the right thing. So, the world is better off with me being up to date with what my contemporaries like Spider-Man and Buffy are doing on their end. I'll let you know what that is...

Hallelujah Plow United!

I don't know how yet, but please to enjoy the soul-purifyin' sounds of Plow United, live from the 1990's at Rockin' Rex in Yonkers.

"Poison Berries" July 10, 1995


"W.P.G.", "Martin", and "Spindle" May 12, 1995

A Revolutionary Blog

Blogs are an interesting thing. Well most "blogs" themselves are actually very far from interesting. Parodies of themselves, tracing the inanities of some loser's day to day operations... you know, "Today I got up, had a piece of toast, brushed my teeth...". Nobody cares! (Unless there's sexy pics to go along.) The thing that most average bloggers fail to realize is that old journalism trick: you gotta have an angle. You don't need talent, skill, tenacity, grammar, or in fact a topic, but, no matter what you write about, SPIN it. Or don't, being boring is also art sometimes. But anyway... blogs and blogspot are interesting because you can really customize every aspect of your page and make it, in some shadow of a way, represent you. And today, I have revolutionized, nay perfected, my Danthology. How? You ask... Simple, I turned of the #%@^ comments! That's right bitches, who watches the watch-Dan? NO-body!

Seriously, every time I finished another masterpiece of insight calling out jerks on the grounds of racism, sexism, homophobia, bein' a Mets fan, or any other such crimes against humanity, I gotta sweat it out waiting for and eventually receiving so-called "comments" from the peanut gallery, telling me that current Republicans aren't Skrullish sell-outs to America because I used the wrong form of "their/there," or that the only reason to vote for John McCain wasn't racial or intelligence based. Why else? (Rhetorical!) I never even addressed the socialism claims. I never knew how effective that would end up being to incite fear in people. People who didn't graduate high school, or did a long time ago, who maybe don't know how to type "socialism wiki" into their tool bar. Here it comes... wait for it... they turned socialism into a new code word for "black."

Anyway, your opinion is not what this blog is about. I don't care what you have to say to enlighten or coerce me. I willingly spend time in other reality tunnels, I dig the other side of the coin, don't worry 'bout ol' Dan. This is about baseball, punk rock, Wilmington pride, and "liberal" truth. Truth that is too weird for most people. So, if you disagree with me, here's what you do... keep your mouth shut. Read me or don't, I don't wanna hear about it.

Thanks,
The Management

I'm Busted...

Hey! I'm broke! Buy my wares! Records and Comics! The Headies! Tit Patrol! Endless Mike Jambox! Power of IV! Ninja Attak! Suburban Legend Comics! Fun-Time Comics! 53rd and 3rd! AHHH! I need money!

http://www.madisonundergroundpress.com/MADISON_STORE.html

Count von Crust

Yeah Dune!! Delaware's premiere stoner-rock combo have lost an original member. The stoic Justin Angeline has tendered his resignation from Count von Count. Angeline helped define CvC's metal meets MC5 sound with his vicous low-end treachery. He also knows his way around a pint! Replacing him was no easy task, but luckily everybody's favorite #1 draft choice Chris Crust has taken up the mantel for the Counts. Check the newly arranged combo tonight, Sunday November 16, at the Bike Spot on Market Street, 8pm!
Justin "Toll-Gate" Angeline
Chris Crust (in hat) with Billy Frolic

My Hero, Dan Savage

Dan Savage, syndicated comlumnist and gay dude, tells it like it is.

Yeah Keef!

Here is notable moderate Keith Olbermann with his view on Prop 8.

No on Prop 27!!

I knew I was different by the time I was eleven years old. I could feel it. Something about me was... at odds with everybody else. I knew I was essentially the same, anatomically, physiologically and all, same blood and synapses and what not, but something was notably different. I followed my heart and by the time I was fifteen I came out of the closet. I was and am a punk rocker. At the time it became the popular thing to do, and alot of people joined in, but I knew for me it was no trend. I was born this way. Sure, I could feign normalcy and get into Led Zeppelin like the rest of the guys at school, but I would have been denying a crucial part of myself. So I am a rebel, sure, but the thing is, I hate to rebel... It tears me up inside! But as time went on, I realized their is no rebellion in it, just doing what I had to do to be happy with myself. For the past thirteen years I have lived by punk rocker principles, not to adhere to them, but because they are inside of me, they are me. The erudite Ramones listener will tell you this comes down to personal freedom.

One important principle was put into mainstream action last week with the election of my man Barack Obama to be President of America. This was the greatest political moment of my life. Not only did we actually save the country that I love, but a little more than half of America either is post-racial or savvy enough to put their b.s. to the side for the good of their country. A vote for McCain, like votes for Bush in the previous elections, were votes against America. Let me explain... the U.S.A. was founded on freedom. Freedom form taxation without representation, and before that freedom from religious persecution. Never should legislation be passed to adhere solely to religious dogma, especially at the retraction of freedoms, re: civil rights. That is one reason why I love America, it is, or should be, inherently punk rock. It is the young nation, unfettered by prejudices. Of course this is not always the case. Tommy Jefferson's original Declaration of Independence outlawed slavery, but Benny Franklin knew that King Cotton would never ratify, so they ixnayed the crucial lines. For the past eight years, we watched King George strip us of personal freedoms (privacy, habeas corpas) and foam at the mouth to steal others (Right to Choice), while funneling money into his own pocket with the Iraq debacle. Idiot assholes elected him a second, only slightly less fraudulent time and allowed America to sit under a dictator, rather than have some balls. No matter what anybody says, the only reason to vote McCain was if you are racist, or very wealthy and don't give a damn about your fellow man (probably because you assumed they are black). When Obama won, it meant that America was in fact ready for a change. We didn't see new voters really, we saw people who voted for Bush wise up and switch allegiances. Those who did not? Racist. Or pussies. Or rich, racist, pussies.
We all know McCain sold his soul to Karl Rove. Poor guy, I recently went through an identity crisis myself that probably pales in comparison to a life's work negated by shitty politics. But, he's just a puppet, they didn't let him run his own campaign and the RNC picked a real winner in Sarah Palin. The third worst thing going today is people who still think she was in any way credible. "Oh, I really like how she's a mom. Don't underestimate her." Impossible. I can look into a moron's eyes and see the vapidity. Simply being a mom or a P.O.W. doesn't mean shit to me. She was an unqualified BAD PERSON. Wanna know why? Spouting anti-American, anti-Freedom speech, lying, and sarcasm in a situation not befitting it. Bitch should go on Barry Gibb Talk Show and get some real lessons! "I came up on the hard streets of Sydney! You will show me respect! I'm Barry Gibb!" You know, I love Larry King and watch him every day, but she is dissin' you King!

Anyway, the U.S. squeaked through, and all my favorite media is celebrating the page turned in America. I wish I could participate. Unfortunately, the 49% or so that still thinks blacks are inferior have used this election as a jump off for renewed vigor in hate speech.. Never have I heard so many northerners celebrate the tradition of lynching or presidential assassination. Never have I seen the dredging up of old chestnuts like fried chicken and watermelon jokes. Never have I heard the "n-word" so badly dying to pass through curled American lips. I am non-violent, but this makes me wanna swing. I know that this is a shrinking minority, but it kills me. I personally can't wait for these old heads to croak on, but there are people my age who hold these old views. It comes down to evolution (Sorry, Sarah). In a survival of the fittest world, racial biases are gonna get you extinct. Understand? Evolve or die, not a threat, a friendly warning.

Which brings us to the point. On the same day that Civil Rights got its biggest boost since MLK Jr., it also took it's biggest hit. In Wilmington, DE, known liberal hot bed, Proposition 27 was passed, rescinding the already constitutionally guaranteed right for punk rockers to legally marry. Some say this is not a problem. They still offer us "civil unions," giving all the rights of a non-punk married couple. At first this seems alright to me, because I am not a religious person and whatever title they give my union is b.s. to me anyway, but that is just it. Remember America? The whole no religious persecution thing? This brings me back to the seventies in the case of S.E. Hinton v. Texas in which punk Pony-Boy Curtis was awarded full marriage rights to soc Cherry Valence. That's right, it used to be illegal to have mixed-marriage in America. But we evolved. So, what we have here is the classic American "separate but equal" shit, which I thought we dealt with. Sure, alot of people didn't like that either, but they were wrong. Just like now. Should we have a proposition to vote on slavery again? How about segregation? Let the people speak and tell these liberal judges what we feel about their legislating from the bench! All they do is protect freedom and equality, but this is supposed to be a democracy right? RIGHT?? No, it's supposed to be the home of the free and the land of the brave, neither of which are we while our citizens are having their rights plundered due to... I don't rightly know. Is it religious brainwashing? It seems to make sense. In America, you are allowed to vote for whatever reason you want, even if it is unconstitutional. But, Christmas and Easter Christians or even lesser observers have no true right to feel this way, they are eating that self-entitlement shit. It doesn't affect you! It affects me! Your moral high ground is crumbling around you. The traditional family? People of any musical orientation who lave each other no matter what, older people to take care of the younger people.

This reminds me again of high school. While I was involved in important punk rock things, my non-traditionalist ways caught the eye of a few of my fellow students. In my all-boys Catholic school, they mistook my punkrockedness for homosexuality. I was called a "fag" every day for two years, and early on I decided what I would do. I would NEVER, NEVER deny it. Denying it would make it seem like it was something to be ashamed of. It would make it seem like they had a genuine bust, that if I denied, would be legitimized. I never denied, I flirted with my would be attackers, 15 year old boys, and if it got violent, I fought, fist to teeth. At fifteen, I was never scared, so why are you? From then on, I was a proponent of gay rights. I just thank Allah that my gay brothers and sisters are not dealing with the same discrimination and hate that we punks are. They deserve it even less.

Phillies Offseason

Since their isn't any more baseball until pitchers and catchers report in February 2009, dudes like me who deify baseballers can only partake in the modern luxury of the Hot Stove Report on mlb.com. Imagine, prior to like 1996 young Dan getting up every day of the summer and unfurling the newest edition of the News Journal and huffin' newsprint and staring for hours upon end at the box scores and standings comprised of only four divisions. Then all winter long, daily one inch by one inch transaction reports buried on page six of "Sports." Now it is better, but worse too, colder... you can't really sniff a monitor like you can a paper. That's the only problem with scanned, downloadable comics. My Green Lantern: Emerald Dawn #1 from 1989 actually is better for sniffin' then for readin'! BUT, you can get up-to-the-second trade rumors and facts. The Hot Stove has the good writing, but prosportsdaily.com has juicer, sometimes less apt to happen reports. Now, I have the privilege of being a life-long Phillies fan, so as you know, we rule, and won't be doing too much off-season shuffling, but here's my analysis of what we're gonna look like come April.

Starting Pitching - Despite being snubbed at the All-Star game, Cole Hamels is the class of the National League, NLCS and World Series MVP, a true Iceman, callin' 20 game winner, and our Ace. Plus some old lady called me "Cole Hamels" at the Concord Mall. Brett Myers could suck again, but I am an optimist. He is a headie pitcher, and World Series success could translate into a good full season for the oft woe begotten fireballer. League leader in strikeouts? Callin' it. Jamie Moyer will resign with his hometown team, pitch until he's 50, and probably end up as the Phil's pitching coach eventually. Professor Moyer can play baseball forever, because he doesn't use his arm, he uses his brain. Joe Blanton was a bit of a groaner when we heard the trade went through, but Fat Joey pitched great in the postseason and is a really decent #4 starter. That's a one through four who can all eat innings. Now as for the fifth starter, we got with us now Kyle "KK" Kendrick who lost his groove near the end of this year and may or may not ever be good again. J.A. Happ is a Kendrick clone without the unprecedented success or giant fall, so his blank slate can be seen as positive. I do not want to see Adam Eaton on this team next year. With all this in mind, signing a fifth starter would be a great idea. A hot shot lefty would be ideal, but we may need that money later when we get to the outfield. So that rules out dudes like A.J. Burnett, John Garland, etc... and of course those top tiers as well. I don't want some oldster review with Randy Johnson pitching the first half the year and frickin' Curt Schilling the second half. Call me nuts, but I would like to get Randy Wolf and the Wolf Pack back in Philly, but he somehow has a bidding war going, so he might be out. Who knows, maybe we'll try and conserve in the outfield and go for the big market second Ace, but you know what I wanna do? Give it to Carlos Carassco! Bring 'im up! A homegrown fifth starter.

Relief Pitching - The Phillies bullpen was the best in the majors, and very little is going to change. Keep long relievers Chad Durbin and Clay Condrey, 7-8-9 men J.C. Romero, Ryan Madson, and Brad Lidge right where they are. Combined they could be the National League MVP, with notable contributions from Madson and Lidge, 2009 All-Stars callin' it. Scott Eyre was a classic ex-GM Pat Gillick under-the-radar pick-up that worked out great. He resigned with us already. We will be rid of Tom "Trash" Gordon and Rudy Seanez. That leaves Happ or Kendrick or (god-forbid) Eaton to round out the 'pen, and new GM Amaro Junior could always find a nice low-risk, high-reward type guy to insert.

Infield - We are in the glory days of Philadelphia. We have the best infield we have ever had. People will hate, of course, but let it be known, the "Big Man" Ryan Howard is here to stay and will probably be the N.L. MVP later this week, if not, it's a fix! Chase Utley was ice cold during the World Series, but like all Phils, he was why we were there in the first place. Utley is actually the best second baseman in baseball, and will be the all-time second base home run king. Jimmy Rollins. J-Roll. My favorite Phil and the most sabermetrically sound shortstop in the bigs. He's like Snoopy to the Peanuts team in every way. Pedro Feliz aka Pete Happy is a World Series hero and a vacuum at third. He is capable of doing more with the bat than he did this year, but if he doesn't, a more evenly-split platoon with pinch-hittah extraordinaire Greg Dobbs will be ideal. We'll probably retain Eric Bruntlett, who can play almost any position and seems to be able to come up with big hits. "Rad" Tad Iguchi won't be back. Behind the plate, Carlos "Hamster Pie" Ruiz was the sometimes unsung hero of the year. His dismal plate performance was well overshadowed by his superb skills while calling a game. He is probably the second smartest Phil, behind only Moyer. Now, as far as an offensive counterpart goes, Chris Coste is a great back up guy, but with Lou Marson seemingly ready to make the move to the majors, Coste may end up as trade bait. What's more, if Marson delivers on his hype, Ruiz may become a defensive specialist behind Marson's bat.

Outfield - This is the trickiest area for the Phils this offseason, due solely to the fact that Super-Phillie Pat "the Bat" Burrell is up for free agency. I desperately want Pat to stay. Through all the boos he kept at it and I always cheered. Pat Burrell is for baseball fans with heart, and he should stay with us. But, he will probably be hotly sought after. The known chink in his game is his speed and defense, so American League squads may see a custom built designated hitter. But, it is well known that Burrell hates to DH and would always prefer to pay left field (though first base would suit him too). I hear it will come down to a matter of time. The Phils want to give him two years and he wants three, so we wait for Friday for the games to begin. If he stays, we're pretty solid. Center fielder Shane Victorino is another future All-Star who should be sought after but untouchable. Jayson Werth is the same thing to a lesser degree, and if top-tier pitching could be swung, I think they'd deal Werth. Backing the boys up is Geoff Jenkins, whose horror-story 2008 was wiped clean by that big 'ol World Series double. He's still a question mark, but not to trade valuable. Matt Stairs is another post season hero who is really best suited for trying and hit a home run every couple games then playing the field. So "So" Taguchi will probably retire, but definitely won't be back with the Phils. If Burrell does go, they've discussed a Jenkins/Dobbs right field platoon with Werth in left, but they'll almost certainly go after some kind of big name bat. Not Manny, not Holliday, not Adam Dunn, not Bobby Abreu. The name I keep seeing is Rocco Baldelli, Tampa Bay feel-good story and home run hitter. Seattle's Raul Ibanez would also bring the pop. None are "the Bat" but we'll have to see what offers are made.

Overall, the slickest thing would be to trade Adam Eaton and Geoff Jenkins for top notch relief to super-bolster the bullpen, resign Pat Burell, bring up Carlos Carassco, and get ready for the next parade.

Eddie Cochran v. Black Flag

NERVOUS BREAKDOWN
Eddie Cochran

I'm a-havin' a nervous breakdown
A mental shakedown
See my hands, how they shiver
See my knees, how they quiver
My whole body's in a jitter
I'm a-havin' a nervous breakdown!

Well, I went to see my doctor just the other day
& I've got to tell you what the man had to say
Well, he said, "Hey, boy, you just gotta slow down
You can't keep a-traipsin' all over town
After givin' you a physical check
I've come to the conclusion you're a total wreck"

I'm a-havin' a nervous breakdown
A mental shakedown
See my hands, how they shiver
See my knees, how they quiver
My whole body's in a jitter
I'm a-havin' a nervous breakdown!

I've made up my mind I'd better change my ways
My shattered nerves have seen better days
No more girls for a week or 2
No more runnin' 'round with the usual crew
No more movies or stayin' out late
My baby have to find herself another date

I'm a-havin' a nervous breakdown
A mental shakedown
See my hands, how they shiver
See my knees, how they quiver
My whole body's in a jitter
I'm a-havin' a nervous breakdown!

NERVOUS BREAKDOWN
Black Flag

I'm about to have a nervous breakdown
My head really hurts
If I don't find a way out of here
I'm gonna go berserk cause
I'm crazy and I'm hurt
Head on my shoulders
It's going... Berserk!
I hear the same old talk talk talk
The same old lines
Don't do me that today
Yeah if you know what's good for you,
you'll get out of my wayCause,
I'm crazy and I'm hurt
Head on my shoulders
Going... Berserk!
I won't apologize
For acting outta line
You see the way I am
You leave any time you can cause
I'm crazy and I'm hurt
Head on my shoulders
Going... Berserk! Crazy! Crazy! Crazy! Crazy!
I don't care what you fuckin' do!
I don't care what you fuckin' say!
I'm so sick of everythingI just want to... Die!

And the winner is... me! Lookout for the comeback!

Unbelievable!

Except that it isn't. All I did was believe every second of every day, and here we are. My Fightin' %^#&in' Phils.