Madison Underground Vigilantism

Could the News Journal and their online counterparts be any more feeble? No. Two nights ago my boy Murph foiled a mugging attempt outside his house in Browntown, and it seems they used stock copy to describe it, they were so off. For one, Murph is no "Good Samaritan" - he hates the bible!

The straight dope is as such: Murph got off work and had shot and a beer at the tavern of his choice, and came back to his cool new pad in the 500 block of South Harrison. His neighbors, two women were talking out on the porch so Murph, social butterfly that he is, was shootin' the breeze with them, when two men approached. One pulled a gun and demanded the three neighbors hand over their cash. Murph chose fight over flight or compliance and swacked the gun from the man's hand and away from the action. A fistfight, or as Murph nonchalantly put it, a "tussle" ensued in the street. Murph took a couple hits but ultimately won the fight with a bottle of Lowenbrau over the assailants head. The crooks took off, managing to get one lady's purse, which for some reason had her pin number in close proximity to her ATM card. It turns out the dudes used it to get three hundo from her account, but guess what? ATM machines ALL have video cameras these days, so they are still in hot water. I asked Murph if he got hurt at all and he responded with a smirk, "I got some scrapes on my knuckles from punching the dude in the face, but that's about it." When asked if he was scared, Murph reflected, "Yeah, but I really didn't have time to think about it. All I kept thinking was 'My mom is gonna kill me.'"

I for one think this is the coolest thing I've heard in quite some time, and confirms what we have suspected for quite some time: Murph is the Batman. So - Three-Two-One-Zero, Let's hear it for Murph, the hero!

Read the News Journal's faux journalistic take online, along with disgustingly racist, right wing comments.

The Good Irishman by Billy Frolic.

DDT Did a Job on Me

This is that time of the year, usually starting around those Dog Days and stretching into early fall time where and when something bad happens to me physically. Two years ago I sliced open the middle finger on me left hand whilst opening a vacuum sealed filet for preparation at Dead Presidents where I worked. I sliced it real good, all the way down to the bone and miraculously I missed the tendon, so I could flex it and spurt blood out and you could watch the tendon contract and the bone do it's thing in there. Though the record for highest blood spurt at Dead Prez still goes to my man Master Ray who hit the ceiling. I got it stitched up and was cool as a cuke, except for when the clinic doc told me that I may lose some flexibility in it. Well, that is my fret hand and as you know I wanna be the Johnny Thunders of my generation, who was the Chuck Berry of his generation, so I started to sweat and me blood ran cold, but I bit the bullet and was back to playin' even with them stitches and lost no mobility at all.

Last year I was happily unemployed and doing some work for my ma and dad on their beautiful lawn. I was removing some poison ivy out from under an azalea, paying very close attention to the ivy and sleepin' on the azalea's branches, which poked me directly in my right eye and tore my cornea. I went to that hot stuff eye doctor in Greenville cuz when I was a baby I abrased my dad's cornea with a stick at Rockford Park, and that's where he went. They told me I was unlucky it was a branch and would have been better off if it was an antenna or guitar string, cuz an organic abrasion heals slower and relapses more often. Plus it hurt like a son of a bitch. Plus I got alot of poison ivy all over me too! I had to pull out the bottom eyelid and load it up with cream and patch it off like so much pirate. Once in a blue moon if I don't get enough sleep or it's very smokey around or Hondo gets up in my puss it hurts like it just happened.

So this year I saw it coming. In fact I saw it coming for years! When I was twenty-two my wisdom teeth started coming in. The dentist told me to get them out ASAP or they would foil my naturally beautiful smile (No Braces!). Of course I did nothing except wait a handful of years (during which time they came in without incident, as I have a big mouth) until one night I was watching the Phils (Go Phils!) and eating a Cinnamon Toast Crunch Milk and Cereal Bar when my back Wizzy busted off in half. I had these little spikes like a king's crown in the back of my mouth and I couldn't stop tounging it. I went ahead over to the dentist and they did a panarex, and x-ray of me whole noggin and found that those Wizdumb teeth was so far back that I couldn't properly brush them and they were rotted out and must come out or they'll hurt me, cavity-wise! So we did it. I was nervous, but I really enjoyed the intravenous cocktail they served me, and I REALLY liked the post-op percocet and ice cream! It all healed up pretty good, just in time for me to hit the beach down in Fenwick and fall asleep on my belly reading "Please Kill Me" for the fifth time and burn the shit out of me backside. I am currently leaving skin everywhere I go. But that ain't my problem now...

My problem now is I got the flu. That's right the flu, like a school kid. The Headies played in front of a couple hundred people last Friday at the Spot on the night of the Wilmington Art Loop, and I'm pretty sure someone got me sick there, probably some dirty chick who I thought was coughing from cigarettes but prolly got the H1N1 or some such thing. I feel like I got hit by a truck and it's messin' up my emotions a bit too, but it doesn't really matter, because just like all of my previous August Ailments, I got outta work, and that is what's important!

Something Fierce - "Teenage Ruins" and "Better Off Without You" @ the Spot

Tit Patrol @ the Spot 7/31/09

Your Heroes, Tit Patrol, reppin' Wilmington, photos by Nikki! Great show and amazing huge crowd who showed up to support not only Something Fierce, but also Ba-Durr!'s dog, Bandit, who was kicked by a horse and in need of expensive surgery. No joke, if you're a dog lover and want to help out, hit me up.

Something Fierce @ the Spot 7/31/09

SOMETHING FIERCE out of Houston, Texas, on Dirtnap Records. Raddest touring band we've had at the Spot? Could be, they were fucking awesome, intense and melodic, nice people to boot! Great record as well... tell the Dirtnap folks how kick-ass Tit Patrol is!

Ba-Durr! @ the Spot 7/26/09

My boys! Ba-Durr! played an awesome set as always, but even awesomer was that they rocked so hard the power went out (in accordance with a thunder storm), everybody left except for them, me, Toddy, and a few other true believers, and when the lights came back they finished their set to just us, and what a treat it was!

Disclosure @ the Spot 7/26/09

Out of Berkeley Springs, West Virginia (my homeland), DISCLOSURE! Great band and good dudes, I sang OPIV's knowledge with them, very well I might add!